I recently got out of a 9 year relationship, a relationship I had been in since I was 19, and now I feel I’m playing catch up. I can do who or what I want, I can make the big decisions, and I can fall flat on my face all by myself. I am a blank page ready to be filled up with new adventures and whatever ho stuff I can get into.
I’m a sexually repressed 28 year old with the sense of humor of a frat boy and feelings that don’t stop. This is going to be mess, it already is, but I need a place to put it.
I’m not here to be judged, I’m doing plenty of that myself, I just need an outlet where I feel I can actually express things that may be less than savory without fear. I’m going to try to be open and honest. I’ll probably come out looking like a whiny, self indulgent, completely neurotic, slutty, broken record, but so is your face!
As far back as I can remember I have not been fond of myself. Some of my first memories are of people telling me to smile. If I had had something to smile about I would have, but they didn’t care about that. They wanted the immediate reaction so that they could momentarily feel better about my well being without actually affecting it in any positive way.
I have always wished I was pretty enough so that people wouldn’t care about my other shortcomings, and this has led to me indulging in more shallowness than should be allowed in one person. I hide because I’m afraid they’ll see who I really am, and I may just be a giant sack of dull. Most of the time when I am trying to interact with people my anxiety shuts down all the parts of my brain that could possibly save me from looking like a complete idiot, therefore I feel that that is all I am.
It seems that from a young age I used “morality” as a way to feel any kind of self worth. I didn’t do drugs, have sex, get drunk, or anything normal awesome things teenagers do, and this gave me a sense of superiority and security when I would otherwise feel completely below.
I don’t need all of that anymore, though. Now in the age of being super connected we can measure our self-worth in hearts, likes, and text message notifications. I don’t have to worry about being seen as a slut, or being lonely, as long as my phone keeps making nose. It may be just another distraction, but it’s movement. I’d rather have a good chase than sit on my hands for one more day.
I’m going to follow this shallowness as far as it will take me and see where I land. I’ve already made a few mistakes and adjusted accordingly….err I’m working on that anyway. I don’t really think I believe in good and bad, but for arguments sake how can you know if you’re one without having been the other?
